MEDINA, OH — In a terribly unlucky break, local sixth-grader Mackenzie Warner completely flunked her geography test after President Trump renamed everything right in the middle of the exam.
Warner reportedly felt confident turning in her test, only to learn that every single entity on the exam had been renamed in the prior 30 minutes.
"Oh, I'm sorry, it's no longer Lake Ontario," said Geography teacher Mrs. Clarkson. "Nope, not the Gulf of Mexico either. Canada is 'Gay North Dakota.' And — I know this is a recent update, but it's the American Ocean now, not the Atlantic. Trump's press conference on the whole thing just ended. I'm sorry, sweetheart, but you missed every single question. Tough luck."
Educators have taken to refreshing the White House webpage throughout the day to stay current on geographical updates. "Okay kids, if you could please open your textbooks to page 32, we're going to go ahead and cross out the whole Middle East. Now, write in 'TrumpLand,'" announced Mrs. Clarkson. "Ope, hang on, got another update. Let's move over to page 86, you can go ahead and mark out California. Just, um, black out the whole thing, that one hasn't been renamed, it's just been nuked. Geography has never been this exciting, kids!"
At publishing time, Warner had lost points on her astronomy exam after failing to give the updated name "Moon of America."
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