ATLANTA — As his first act, Chick-fil-A's new VP of Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion Erick McReynolds has revised company vocab guidelines, requiring white employees to move away from simple phrases like "my pleasure" and instead use preferred equitable language such as, "my privilege."
VP McReynolds said of the change, "Chick-fil-A restaurants have long been recognized as a place where people know they will be treated well. So in the interest of fixing something that isn't broken, we now require our privileged employees to express how they use their privilege to be allies to minorities by serving them great-tasting chicken sandwiches."
"We are committed to ensuring mutual respect," he continued. "We will do this by humiliating white people as often as possible."
Sources say white employees will also be required to kneel respectfully and raise their fists in the air whenever a black person enters the store. They will also be required to punch themselves in the face when asked.
McReynolds is reportedly surprised by the drama kicked up in the wake of his announcement. "I've been the Executive Director of Diversity, Equity & Inclusion since 2020. I'm a VP now, but we've always been headed in this direction."
"Check your privilege. Jeez."
At publishing time, Chick-fil-A had also hired a graphic designer to create a cool new pride logo for the company.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.