NEW YORK, NY - Sources in Washington confirmed today that the National September 11 Memorial will be filled in and replaced with a new January 6 memorial that commemorates the zeroes of people killed on that fateful day. The memorial will be a 50-foot-tall bronze statue of Nancy Pelosi's stolen podium.
"Yes, 9/11 was bad, but it is time to make way for an even worse attack on our nation: that terrible day one year ago when Trump supporters walked through the Capitol building," said the designer of the statue, American artist Laslo Parkinson. "I've designed this statue to give people time to sit and reflect on the podiums that were stolen. The desks that had feet put up on them."
Parkinson then broke down and tried to regain control of his emotions. "The... the barriers that were moved. I'm sorry, I... I can't. Someone else talk."
Nancy Pelosi comforted him and then took over. "As you can see, 1/6 is way worse than what happened on 9/11. It was the worst attack on our democracy since King George III." Pelosi went on to say that similar memorials will be erected all over our country, replacing Civil War memorials and all of the Pearl Harbor monuments and memorials in Hawaii.
The cost of the memorial is not known, but Pelosi assured everyone that "we have to build it to find out how much it costs."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
