On January 6 families all over America will be sitting down to a nice warm meal of Trump Steaks and ketchup. Kids will be opening briefcases full of presents and grandpas will be falling asleep on the couch with Fox News on the TV. But when your family is gathered around the decorated podium to sing songs of merriment, don't forget the real reason for the season: Donald J. Trump.
Remember, Trump is still our president. He had the election stolen from him by a lizard in a Joe Biden mask with the aid of Chinese freemasons. Never forget!
Every holiday has its own special meaning. Sometimes it's powerful (Christmas) and sometimes it is literal devil worship (Halloween). However, corporate greed always finds a way to exploit our bonds of unity with flashy advertising and expensive novelty gifts. Buying your loved one a stuffed buffalo may seem thoughtful, but it makes Donald Trump cry.
Do you know what Arbor Day is? Thanksgiving? Of course you don't. These are obscure days no one cares about. And it will happen to January 6 if we are not vigilant.
So go to church today. Read old Trump tweets. Sit down your kids and go over election law. Volunteer at a homeless shelter to gather an army of resistance fighters. Don't let this holy day be reduced to cheap gifts and football games. If Trump loses our attention he will lose all his power. How can he be expected to stop the steal then?
And remember, if you are reading this, you are already part of the resistance.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
