U.S. — Democrats proudly announced that they had already delivered on their campaign promise to improve affordability, having made stock prices far, far cheaper in just a few days.
Only two days after the midterms, Democrats had succeeded in reducing the total cost of stocks by historic amounts, making good on their vows.
"This is what it looks like to deliver for the American people," said Representative Hakeem Jeffries, holding up a chart to show how much cheaper stocks are now. "In just 48 hours, we managed to cut the price of stocks by a collective $2.9 trillion. If we can do that in two days, just imagine what we can accomplish over the next four years. Promises made... promises kept!"
Millions of Americans cheered the landmark accomplishment, overjoyed that the Democratic Party had so quickly followed through on its campaign promise. "Finally, politicians who actually get things done," said local man Gregory Tharp, looking at the crashing market prices. "These are real results, ones you can actually see when you look at your retirement account. This is why America voted for change."
At publishing time,
A quantum physicist interviews for the job of a lifetime at a modern university — but does he have what it takes to survive a flurry of DEI questions?
