It can be hard to bother voting, especially when every election that hasn't gone your way has been rigged. But don't give up; you can do plenty to keep our elections safe and fair.
Check out these sweet life hacks to a secure election:
- Hire Kyle Rittenhouse to stand outside your polling place: He'll protect your polling location from Antifa thugs.
- Set up life-sized cardboard cutouts of Dinesh D'Souza to scare away mules: His face haunts the dreams of many a ballot mule.
- Outlaw mail-in ballots and only accept votes cast through TRUTH Social comments: TRUTH Social is where the TRUE patriots hang out.
- Vote multiple times to make sure they're paying attention: If you can cheat the election, so can anyone! You better vote 30,000 times just to be on the safe side.
- Put ballots under Mjölnir so only the worthy can vote: Why were the unworthy allowed to vote in the first place?
- Upload your consciousness to a computer system so you can oversee every vote made by every human: Unfortunately, as a transhuman entity, you will lose all voting rights. And your machine heart will no longer understand the meaning of love.
- Monitor all cemeteries to make sure the dead don't vote: Keep an eye on pet cemeteries, too. Hamsters have been known to change election outcomes.
- Invite lots of plumbers to the polls to look out for burst pipes: Every burst pipe is good for about 380,000 fraudulent votes.
- Hang a sign in each poll booth that says 'God is watching': Works every time.
- Live in a red state: Apparently, they have it figured out there.
Enjoy a safe election season, everyone! Don't forget to bring a crossbow in case you run into undead voters!
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.