SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Following a roller coaster of negotiations and threats of legal action, Elon Musk is now at the final stretch of acquiring Twitter. With this purchase, Musk has announced plans to reduce Twitter's workforce to only 280 characters.
The new owner of the ubiquitous social network announced the cuts down to 280 characters were needed, as a modern public square bloated with too many characters would hamper free speech and muddy free and fair discussions of all types, something he believes to be vitally important to society.
"I had hopes of slashing characters to 140," said Musk while handing out pink slips to a long line of Twitter employees sobbing into their vegan oat sprout teas. "In the end, I felt like 140 would have worked a few years ago, but 280 is what Twitter needs today."
Critics of the move claimed the founder of Tesla and SpaceX went too far by removing all of those extra characters who surely had important roles at Twitter and were in no way wastes of space and time and money. Musk then ruthlessly shut down the criticisms by tweeting a meme of his head on Donald Trump saying "you're fired."
At publishing time, the number of bots still allowed on Twitter remained at a steady 83 gazillion.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: