It's hard to remember life before COVID-19 vaccine side effects. Now, they're as much a part of American life as Mom, baseball, apple pie, and government agencies spying on us through our electronic devices. Unfortunately, the more time passes, the more disturbing and previously unheard-of side effects pop up.
It's important to be aware of these side effects ahead of time, which is why The Babylon Bee has put together this updated list of newly discovered side effects of the COVID vaccine.
- You set off metal detectors from 10 feet away: Don't even think about trying to go through airport security.
- You're on a first-name basis with your stroke doctor: Plus, you're so good at keeping it together during your strokes, nobody even notices them anymore.
- You find yourself collecting Nickelback albums: It turns out that losing your sense of taste extends to music as well.
- You're experiencing blurred vision in your third eye: You know, the one that grew in your forehead right after your fourth booster.
- You keep receiving telepathic messages from Bill Gates to blow up another food processing plant: You're fairly certain you never got those urges before.
- Gender dysphoria: Were you wondering why everyone and their grandma was switching genders now?
- You now trust the government: Possibly one of the most dangerous side effects.
- You refer to Dr. Fauci as "The Science": It's as though every word out of the man's mouth is scientific scripture.
- You now refer to pedophiles as "minor-attracted persons": This side effect is often found in or around library drag queen story hours.
- You get nominated — and elected — as Senator from Pennsylvania: It's a prestigious job, but it also comes with a huge neck lump.
If you notice any of the side effects listed above, contact your local healthcare provider and schedule your 17th COVID vaccine jab immediately.
NOT SATIRE: Here's the deal. We're all over covid.
But spike proteins don't give a hoot that we're over it. And unfortunately, they're going to be a part of our lives forever. Thanks, mRNA! *dripping with sarcasm*
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Vaxxed or not, if you want to feel alive again – that ‘pre-covid' feeling – get yourself some Spike Support and use code BEE to save 10%, so your body can be as ‘over' covid as your brain is.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.