LOUISVILLE, KY — Churchill Downs Inc. (CDI), which manages the annual Kentucky Derby race, formed a committee this week to answer a question which would determine the future of horse races forever: what is a horse?
CDI CEO William Carstanjen explained it was the Kentucky Derby's number one priority to determine fairly what a horse is so that any eligible horse could participate, even if it was, in fact, not a horse by birth.
"Is a horse a man? Is a horse a badger? These are just some of the questions we will be deliberating," Carstanjen said. "It is important to us that we answer this question in order to protect the right of all horses to compete."
Horses, which don't actually choose to compete, have seen a rise in competition from thoroughbred cheetahs that identify as horses in recent years, which reportedly drew complaints from jockeys. The ensuing drama all but forced the hand of CDI, which was determined to settle the matter once and for all through committee.
The committee itself is chaired by Barbara Anderson, president of the Churchill Downs Racetrack where the Kentucky Derby is held annually. In the interest of diversity and equity, Anderson invited former jockeys, scientists, and furries to participate join in the discussion.
"I'm a horse! Neigh!" said a furry named W. J. Harbuck (also known as The Brown Blur). "Neeeeiiiiigh!"
At publishing time, the Kentucky Derby Committee convened for the day, no closer to understanding what a horse is.
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