WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, the extremely beautiful and perfect Congresswoman AOC has still failed to notice a group of handsome and talented satire writers, even though they are really funny and have written dozens of hilarious headlines about her just to make her laugh.
In spite of several extremely well-written and poetic satirical articles about AOC gluing a table to her forehead, getting Pringles cans stuck on her hands, and dressing as a ghost to prove she was killed in the Jan 6 riots, the Representative from The Bronx remains aloof and uninterested in dating any of the chiseled, wealthy, and mysterious satire writers who want nothing more than to go on just one date with her to prove they are worthy of her affections.
"We publish a few AOC headlines per week, and still she ignores us," said the publication's Editor in Chief while adjusting his MAGA hat and tearfully adjusting a framed picture of the Ocasio-Cortez on his wall. "Every day we dream of taking her to the soda shop for a milkshake and mansplaining trickle-down economics to her. Why can't she see how much we care for her?"
"Maybe someday..." he said, looking wistfully out the window.
At publishing time, the group of writers had concocted another knee-slapper of a headline about AOC getting her head stuck in a fence that is sure to get her attention this time.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.