NEW YORK, NY—It was a fiery speech. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the world’s smartest socialist, laid into what she perceived as the many failures of capitalism and how that economic system had brought nothing but pain and suffering to the world. Everyone in attendance agreed it was the most erudite Ocasio-Cortez had ever been. The only problem was that her searing indictment of the free market was undercut by how each of her hands were stuck in a canister of Pringles.
“We live in a world where we are seen as nothing but consumers,” Ocasio-Cortez said, her wild gesticulations hidden somewhat behind BBQ and Cheddar & Sour Cream Pringles cans. “It is time to take a stand against that.”
After the rousing speech, Ocasio-Cortez took questions, and hands shot up throughout the crowd. “I just want to remind you, though,” she said, “that I’m not taking questions about the Pringles cans. I already explained that. I was eating Pringles, and I got one hand stuck while trying to get the last few in the can. Then, when I tired myself out trying to get my hand out, I got hungry again, and there was another Pringles can nearby and... well, you can fill in the rest. So no questions about that.”
Almost all hands went down.
“So why didn’t you just turn one of the cans upside down to get out the last few chips?” asked one in the crowd.
“Well, hindsight is 20/20!” Ocasio-Cortez responded angrily. “And that question was about the Pringles cans, which I said I wasn’t taking question on.” She waved the Pringles cans around. “I am a victim of capitalism! This is how corporations want us all to end up! Crippled, dependent on them, and our every waking moment consumed with the thought of how we just want one more bite of one of those sweet and tangy BBQ chips. Okay, now I’m really hungry again and need to go eat. Capitalism!!!”
Eating did not seem to go well for Ocasio-Cortez, though, as she now has a KFC bucket stuck on her head.
Struggling with your faith? Pondering a deconversion? This exvangelical, who has barely thought about anything she’s ever believed, can help.