WASHINGTON D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the world’s smartest socialist, gave more harrowing testimony of her experience during the January 6th riot at the Capitol. She said it was even worse than what she had previously revealed, stating that she was, in fact, killed by the riot and is now a ghost.
“It was a very scary riot,” said the ghostly apparition of Ocasio-Cortez. “Not like one of those nice Black Lives Matter ones where all that happened was someone’s barbershop or something got burned down. So scary, in fact, that I was killed by it. Murdered. Murdered by Ted Cruz. Woo-ooo!”
The press conference brought the journalists in attendance to tears. The moment was almost ruined, though, by Representative Nancy Mace, who tried to deny Ocasio-Cortez’s trauma by saying she isn’t actually a ghost and then tried to pull off of Ocasio-Cortez what Mace claimed was just a sheet with eye holes. Mace was booed by all the reporters.
Legend has it that Ocasio-Cortez now haunts the halls of the Capitol, making loud bumps and noises in the night -- though some claim that’s just because she sometimes gets the sheet on backward.