U.S. — Panic spread across the nation today after the federal government threatened to fix something.
Frightened citizens immediately began purchasing emergency rations and hunkering down indoors, preparing to wait out the government's attempt to help.
"It's basically like announcing Armageddon," said local man Chandler Cooke. "What kind of sick, twisted government employee would do this? Have we not suffered enough? The situation could not be more dire."
The turmoil began after a federal official mentioned in passing to a journalist that the government would be attempting to address a longstanding problem. Within minutes, the Dow plunged 4,000 points, a massive bank run had crippled the finance industry, and Americans began boarding up their homes.
"This is it. This is the big one," said local man Andrew Kim, leading his family down into a bomb shelter. "You always think you'll have more time, and then one day, it's just over. We just hope there will be some kind of world still left for our kids to return to one day. So long!"
At publishing time, terror had spread across the globe as a second country had threatened to join the U.S. government in fixing a problem.
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