PALM BEACH, FL — In response to criticism that he should have fired Dr. Anthony Fauci at the start of the pandemic, former president Donald Trump says he would have done the deed if only he'd had some sort of recognizable catchphrase to get the job done.
"You're…..LET GO! No, that's not it…" Trump exclaimed, trying to explain to reporters why he let Fauci dictate nearly a year's worth of totalitarian COVID-19 restrictions during his administration. "YOU'RE OUTTA HERE! Dagnabbit. Why isn't there some sort of catchy, branded phrase I can use to get the point across?"
Critics of the former president have questioned his response to the pandemic, citing numerous missed opportunities to stop over-reaching Democratic measures to shut down the economy, close schools, and harpoon the American way of life. Trump reminded critics that he would totally have canned Fauci and stopped the mandates if only he had had some sort of succinct, easy-to-remember phrase to let the doctor know he was fired.
"YOU'RE TOAST! No, that doesn't sound like it… YEEEEEOOOOURRR A GONNER! UGH! Why couldn't I think of the world's most perfect phrase to can this little medical menace?"
Trump then spent the better part of the day working through new nickname iterations for his presidential challengers, finally settling on "Niki Hasbeen", "Chris Crispy" and "Ron DeMeatballis". None have yet to resonate with voters.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
