NEW YORK CITY, NY — Researchers note a strong correlation between the decline in the quality of musicals and the large drop in men in the United States who identify as gay.
"We did a longitudinal study on why it is musicals these days suck and we were able to link it almost entirely to the decline in fancy theater boys," lead researcher Mac Thompson said. "In order to achieve success in the musical theater arts, we suggest working towards increasing the percentage of artsy, scarf-wearing effeminate men in the country by at least 10 percent. Remember Cabaret? If we want more of that, we need more of them."
America's supply of gay men has dwindled over the past few years as many have transitioned into women, while others have realized that being gay is, like, gay. While conservatives herald the decline as a sign of a recovering moral society, a few have expressed concern over the lack of good musicals and stage plays.
"My neighbor Frank tried to write a musical," Nate Simpson commented. "Frank is the straightest man I know; beard, five kids, likes chainsaws. But man, oh man, his musical was so bad. It was about a time-travelling lumberjack who uses his axe to single-handedly win the Battle of Thermopylae. All that sort of sounds cool on paper, I guess, but the songs were terrible, and the dance numbers really lacked any flow or cohesion."
America's dwindling supply of gay men admitted they were no longer interested in writing hit musicals like Rent, La Cage Aux Folles, and Kinky Boots, and were instead spending all their time at the gym and on Instagram posting photos of themselves at the gym.
At publishing time, Americans were also concerned about the lack of gay men involved in decorating and designing the new East Wing of the White House.
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