SIOUX FALLS, SD — Local man John Bellville announced to his wife he was going to lay down and read a book, guaranteeing he would soon be unconscious.

Despite maintaining a perfect record of falling asleep within mere seconds of opening a book, hope springs eternal in the Bellville home. Adamant that this time would be different, Mr. Bellville sat down with Phantastes and launched immediately into a REM cycle.

"Zzzzzzzzz," said Mr. Bellville, the book haphazardly draped across his face. "Zzzzzzzzzzz."

According to sources, Mr. Bellville has been reading about one-and-a-half sentences of his book each evening before falling asleep. Having finished the first chapter in a mere nine months, he is reportedly on track to finish the book shortly before dying. He is, however, expected to have an above-average lifespan due to his excellent sleeping habits.

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