BETHESDA, MD — Federal agents raided the home of former National Security Advisor John Bolton on Friday as part of a security probe involving classified documents. Unfortunately, the whereabouts of Bolton were currently unknown, as it was believed that he escaped by blending in with a nearby herd of walruses.
"I didn't know there were so many walruses in Maryland. Now we'll never find him!" FBI Director Kash Patel was heard saying at the scene. "Walruses. This job never gets any easier."
Walruses are not native to Bethesda, where Bolton's primary residence is located, on account of them being marine mammals that live near the ocean. But, according to sources, Bolton always keeps a herd of walruses nearby in case he needs to disappear.
Bolton has had a long and controversial career in government with scandals related to Vietnam War draft avoidance, Iran-Contra, planning coups in foreign countries, and being the product of Russian experiments to create the world's first human/walrus hybrid. Sources said it was only logical that he would keep a group of the marine mammals around as part of an elaborate escape plan.
Agents canvassing Bolton's neighborhood reportedly met with a witness who claimed that the former U.S. ambassador was home just minutes prior to the raid and was tipped off by a nearby seagull. "I've got to vamoose!" Bolton was allegedly heard saying as he dove into the nearby herd, also called a haul-out, of walruses and began barking. "Arf-arf! To the ocean, my brothers!"
At publishing time, John Bolton had been recovered from the gill net of a fisherman's trawler and was being transported to Washington, D.C. for questioning.
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