SAINT PAUL, MN — With tensions between ICE agents and leftist protesters in Minneapolis running high, Governor Tim Walz said he was willing to do anything to keep Minnesota residents safe except cooperate with federal law enforcement.
Walz, the failed vice presidential candidate who will not be seeking re-election as governor, said he would exhaust every potential solution to stop the bloodshed except for working with ICE to enforce immigration laws in Minnesota.
"I'm open to any solution but that one," Walz told reporters. "I am here to serve and protect the residents of the great state of Minnesota and look out for their best interests. That requires me to do absolutely everything in my power to keep them safe, up to — but not including — cooperating with federal law enforcement. That's a bridge too far, I'm afraid."
Clashes between protesters and ICE agents have led to multiple controversial deaths, as leftists expressed outrage that law enforcement officers were daring to enforce laws. Walz stressed the need for de-escalation, despite his unwillingness to uphold the actual law.
"Minnesota is a state that's all about love," he explained when asked if he would order state and local police departments to cooperate with ICE. "And I would do anything for love. Yes, I would do anything for love. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. No. No, I won't do that."
At publishing time, Walz's office said that the governor had decided to perform a special, heartfelt, flamboyant ribbon dance in an effort to bring peace to the state.
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