FAIRFAX, VA — Local liberal Jonald Duncan reportedly learned the hard way that actual virtue is way harder than virtue signaling. At least 3.4 times harder, experts say.
"I've been sitting on my computer, as I do, talking about diversity and equity — all that stuff, but I never actually doing anything," Duncan reflected. "So, I decided to cast aside the signal and try virtue-ing... for real. But it's really hard!"
"You have to, like, do stuff!"
Duncan, an avowed liberal vegan climate activist LGBTQ+ ally, began his journey by studying virtue on Wikipedia. He was surprised to learn that virtues are often in conflict with how he's been living his life. In particular, he noted tremendous difficulty with temperance, which he says interferes with his ability to dunk on "MAGA-tards" who "totally deserve to be canceled."
Duncan started a personal diary where he could record his thoughts as he attempted to incorporate the seven virtues into his life. The Babylon Bee has received an exclusive copy of the journal, an excerpt of which follows:
Tuesday the 5th —
The seven virtues are prudence, justice, temperance, fortitude, faith, hope, and charity. I'm not a dumb xian so I can cut out faith I guess, but I stand by the others — even prudence, which I had to look up in the dictionary. Justice and temperance seem at odds with each other, however. How am I supposed to be temperate while punching literal Nazis? Is that not justice?
Wednesday the 6th —
Learning prudence has saved me a lot of trouble. Apparently not everyone is a Nazi. I thought they were. My bad.
Thursday the 7th —
The more I think about fortitude the more I realize I'm a coward.
Friday the 8th —
I am morally bankrupt. Oh no, did I just teach myself about the reality of sin? God, save me! Crap, is there a church I can go to anywhere?
At publishing time, Duncan was last seen looking at local churches on the internet, unfortunately, he only plans to signal his attendance by joining the virtual service.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
