THE HIGH SEAS — Following the announcement of the show's annual summer break, the hosts of ABC's The View revealed they were going on hiatus to tear unwary sailors apart with their talons.
Like other harpies throughout history, the members of the daytime talk show's host panel said they were eager to take a vacation from their day jobs to fall back into their natural inclination to terrorize seafarers when they least expect it.
"Hosting the show every day is nice, but ripping sailors to shreds with our razor-sharp claws is always more fun," said Joy Behar. "Even though we feel very strongly about going on television and unleashing our horrifying screeching and bloodthirsty viciousness on our viewers and the country as a whole, nothing beats getting out there on the seas during a windstorm and plaguing unsuspecting sailors. SKREEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Seamen were already warning each other about the impending onslaught. "Aye, there be harpies about in these waters," said one old sailor. "On a stormy night on the sea, folks say you can hear ‘em off in the distance. Howlin' and screamin' about Donald Trump in the darkness. If you sail too close, the terrible, loathsome hags from The View will swoop down and rip into you with those nasty claws of theirs. It's a tale that's been told a thousand times. They say once screechin' starts... it's the last sound you'll ever hear."
At publishing time, Stephen Colbert, former host of The Late Show, had reportedly asked the ladies from The View if they would teach him how to be a harpy.
Starbucks employees are fed up and taking matters into their own hands.
