BUTLER, PA — Terrifying new reports indicate that a piece of Trump's ear that had been shot off during Saturday's assassination attempt has begun growing into a second Trump.
"We did not recover the missing part of Trump's ear," said Butler County Sheriff Michael Slupe. "A mistake that may have doomed us all. Now, our scientists tell us it has begun growing into a second version of Trump that will soon threaten the town."
"God, forgive me," he whispered.
Authorities have reportedly evacuated a ten-square-mile area as they prepare for the worst.
"We believe it began life as a tiny blob, but has since grown to the size of a beach ball, "said Dr. Trevor Hallen, a biochemist working for the FBI. "It is learning human speech at a rapid rate."
The unholy creation, which sources speculate feeds on raw patriotism, was last seen headed northeast on Evans City Rd. Authorities have advised townspeople to stay in their homes.
According to witnesses, the horrendous blob was heard saying, "All I want is to be loved."
Dr. Hallen continued, "If my models are correct, it will soon be ten stories tall and consume the entire eastern seaboard."
"We are all going to die."
However, in defiance of scientific models, the blob stopped growing at a modest 6 feet 3 inches, becoming nearly indistinguishable from the real Trump, the only difference being that the double is not missing a piece of its ear.
At publishing time, Trump had named the second Trump his top campaign advisor.
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