WASHINGTON, D.C. — A man known best for taking away the Constitutional rights of Americans spent the morning claiming protection under his Constitutional rights as an American.
Having successfully stripped his fellow citizens of the Constitutional right to freedom of speech, congregation, and religion, the man stated he could not be questioned about his actions due to his Constitutional rights.
"By the rights granted me under the U.S. Constitution, I refuse to answer any questions about my taking away the rights guaranteed under the U.S. Constitution," said the former government official. "My rights are sacred in this nation, and cannot be infringed upon. Anyone who disagrees with me is spreading dangerous information and must be silenced. That is all I have to say on the matter."
Members of Congress attempted to point out the apparent legal contradiction, but the man quickly clarified that constitutional rights are only inviolable when they belong to him personally. "I apologize for the misunderstanding," said the man. "Yes, I can prevent you from speaking your mind, gathering to worship, or even leaving your home. You just cannot ask me about it. Is that clear?"
At publishing time, the man had announced that any negative press resulting from the morning's hearing was dangerous misinformation that must be suppressed by the government.
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