MANHATTAN, NY — All three people who watch The View were completely unaffected by the talk show's recent decision to replace their entire cast with shrieking feral pigs.
According to Matylda Männer, an unemployed 45-year-old Kamala voter and antique hoarder, the show swapped out Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sunny Hostin, Sara Haines, and the rest of the cast for a newborn brood of clamoring pigs, but it hasn't actually changed anything about the show.
"I plopped down to hear some wisdom from Whoopi Goldberg," Männer said. "And then I realized — there was no Whoopi Goldberg. So I watched the show through anyway. Not bad. The new squallers were unusually quiet compared to the normal hosts and they were a little easy on Trump today, but I'll survive."
According to the estate of Barbara Walters, the show's creator, the decision to switch to feral pigs was "nothing personal, just good business."
"I mean, I like Joy and Sara, don't get me wrong — they're just a little repetitive and loud sometimes," a spokesperson for the Walters estate said. "These porkers actually bring a little bit more to the table — figuratively speaking, that is. And they look better, too. I'm fine with the decision, all around."
The View's new hosts were unavailable for comment, though several oinks and squeals were able to be heard through a locked door marked "View Makeup Stye."
At publishing time, MSNBC had also added squealing feral pigs to their talk show, nearly doubling their viewership to an all-time high of five.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
