WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented win for diversity, President Biden pledged to the American people that the next assassin of Donald Trump would be a woman of color.
"I will appoint the first black woman to assassinate Trump," Biden said. "It's long overdue."
The surprise announcement has stirred speculation that Biden would be ordering Kamala Harris to finish what the previous two shooters had started. However, with her busy on the campaign trail, sources tell us he's shown interest in one of those Haitians he's been hearing so much about.
In an exclusive sit-down interview with Al Sharpton on MSNBC, Biden said, "It's long past time. We should have assassins that reflect the nation — a black nation. Blacks are great killers. No, I'm serious! Have you ever been to South Central? Corn Pop was a bad dude, a killer! And I want someone like that on our team. But, you know, a woman."
"Black women are just as smart and capable as Lee Harvey Oswald," he added.
When asked what he would do if no women of color wanted to kill Trump, Biden simply stated, "If you don't want Trump dead, you ain't black!"
Later, while visiting his favorite ice cream shop, Biden suddenly told the clerk, "By the way, I'm proud to be — as I said — the first vice president, the first black woman to serve as the head of the deep state because together we can — Look, there's nothing we can do because this is the United States of America and therefore the next killer's gotta' be black."
At publishing time, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre had been seen suiting up in full-body kevlar.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
