U.S. — In a majestic and selfless act that will be remembered for generations, President Biden has voluntarily stepped down from the presidential race, mere days after being forcibly removed from the presidential race.
"This is an awe-inspiring act of sacrifice. He's just like George Washington," said Morning Joe host Mika Brzezinski, wiping tears from her eyes. "It's clear that this move was completely voluntary on Biden's part and not in any way due to a coup forcing him out against his will. Biden will go down in history, not just as the most popular president, but as the greatest man to ever live."
Brzezinski and her husband Joe Scarborough then held each other and wept for the remaining 30 minutes of the program.
Biden spoke to the nation last night in a live-or-perhaps-prerecorded address, in which he passed the torch to a younger generation completely of his own accord. "It's time to pass the malarkey to a new torch, uh, I mean, to a generation of new, well, uh, anyway..." he said in his final speech as a Democratic presidential candidate. "I will still retain my duties as State Senator and uh..."
The President then endorsed Kamala on his own without any outside pressure whatsoever.
At publishing time, sources confirmed that during the address they had heard a voice that sounded strangely similar to Jill Biden's shrieking from a nearby broom closet.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
