WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden carved a few minutes out of his completely wide-open schedule Wednesday to address the nation about his decision to step away from the presidential race, citing his desire to spend more time at home sniffing friends and family.
"My fellow Americans, on Sunday I officially dropped out of the presidential race," Biden began. "Though I intended to seek re-election, it soon became apparent to me that I needed to spend more time at home sniffing friends and family. I believe it is in the best interest of my party and the country for me to sniff people I know, not politicians and foreign leaders."
The televised address lasted only minutes, but the contents will forever remain embedded in the soul of America. In addition to spending time sniffing friends and family, the president also expressed an interest in sneaking up behind "regular folk" and whispering in their ears. "I'm coming for you, America," he said at one point, leaning forward and grinning from ear to ear.
Wild rumors that Joe Biden had been forced out of the presidential race against his will — or lying dead in a ditch somewhere — were decisively thwarted as the American public heeded the words of their brave president explaining that he just needed to "chill out" and spend his twilight years being a creepy old grandpa and sexual predator.
"I mean, it makes sense," said one voter.
Republican Senator Mitt Romney was the first to congratulate Biden on his heroic address to the nation. "He's given up so much time being creepy with his own family," he said. "I sure wish I could sniff my friends. Alas, I am Mormon." For her part, Democratic Representative Nancy Pelosi wished him well and expressed sadness that the president would never again sniff her hair.
Biden concluded his address, "Look, I know I said Trump is an existential threat to the United States and that I was the only one who could defeat him, but anyway..." He then began blinking rapidly, which some speculate was a sign he was delivering his speech while under duress.
"I am literally ugly crying right now because that speech was so beautiful," Alyssa Milano posted to X, formerly Twitter for some reason.
At publishing time, Biden quickly pardoned his son Hunter. "I almost forgot!" he said, laughing. "That was a close one!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
