RESEDA, CA — A small commotion broke out and stopped Christmas shoppers in their tracks at a local mall today, as Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky was seen sitting on the mall Santa's lap and overheard asking for an additional $50 billion in funding for his nation's ongoing war against Russia.
"I have been quite a very good boy this year," Zelensky was heard telling Santa. "I solemnly request that you give me another $50 billion to help us in our courageous crusade against the evil Russian invaders."
Witnesses reported seeing Santa nodding politely as Zelensky spoke, despite the obvious discomfort that came with having a grown man sitting on his lap. "He initially started rattling off a long list of what sounded like advanced military weaponry that he wanted," said Annie Lupascu, a mother waiting in line with her children to see Santa. "When Santa seemed confused, the guy just started asking for money."
As a small crowd gathered after word began to spread of Zelensky's presence, the line of children waiting to sit on Santa's lap continued to grow, with many of the mall's patrons growing increasingly impatient. "What's he doing this for, anyway?" asked one onlooker. "He'll just get whatever he asks for from Congress. Why bother with Santa?"
At publishing time, Zelensnky had reportedly exited the mall and gotten into a vehicle driven by Ben Stiller, who was shuttling the Ukrainian leader around to other shopping malls in the area.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
