Brittney Griner Returns To Quiet Life Of Obscurity In WNBA
Sports · Dec 11, 2022 ·

PHOENIX, AZ — After becoming a national cause du jour while being unjustly held in a Russian prison, Brittney Griner has returned to the WNBA and disappeared into total anonymity.

"No one really knows what happened to her after she returned to America," said Associated Press reporter Ramon Garcia. "It's like she just vanished off the face of the planet."

Prior to entering the news due to her imprisonment for carrying marijuana through a Russian airport, Ms. Griner was known only by a few friends and neighbors in Phoenix. "I just remembered she was really tall," said neighbor Amy Jones. "She sometimes wore a jersey - I think she may have been part of a city softball team. Other than that, I never really knew anything about her until the whole Russia incident."

After being released through a prisoner swap, Ms. Griner stated that she planned to return to the WNBA. "Literally no one has seen her since," said negotiator Don Cummings, who helped arrange her release. "I know she wanted to have a quiet life doing whatever it is she does, but I didn't expect her to go completely dark. I just hope she's happy, wherever she is."

At publishing time, Ms. Griner's former prison basketball team back in Russia had suffered an embarrassing defeat as the 'Merchant of Death' went 0-12 from the floor.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction


There are 133 comments on this article.

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.