KYIV — Casualties continue to mount in the ongoing Ukraine-Russia conflict, causing Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to make the decision to call up 3,000 U.S. military reserve soldiers.
"I need all the forces I command at my disposal," Zelensky said when announcing the activation of American troops. "These young men and women have been well-trained to defend Ukraine, and now is the time to fulfill their purpose."
As reports of Russian military advancements continued to filter in from the front lines, Zelensky — the commander of all U.S. armed forces — determined his best option was to call in reinforcements. Pentagon officials were quick to comply. "We're here to follow orders from the top, and it doesn't get any higher-up than Mr. Zelensky," said Pentagon spokesman John Kirby. "If President Biden takes orders from him, then we'll do whatever he says as well. The full might of the United States military is at his beck and call."
Though some pockets of opposition to the move were present within the U.S. Congress, the vast majority expressed full support. "It's our job to stand by our leaders in times of war," said Utah Senator Mitt Romney. "We'll provide whatever President Zelensky needs. I've already got an appointment to shine his shoes the next time he's here to speak to Congress."
At publishing time, Zelensky was reportedly preparing to scramble U.S. fighter jets to intercept incoming Russian air support while ordering all American missile launch sites to ready their nuclear payloads.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.