WASHINGTON, DC — In a stunning decision split straight along gender lines, The Supreme Court announced this week that Ross and Rachel were definitely on a break.
"This is a momentous day for my client," Ross's lawyer Ron Glass told the press. "Ross was clearly under the assumption that he and Ms. Greene were on a break after she used the words ‘we should take a break'. It can't get much more straightforward than that."
All four female justices joined the dissent, saying Ross had no business sleeping with the girl from the copy shop when he and Rachel were just going through a rough spot.
"There's no legal precedent for taking breaks, and when you think about the concept of taking breaks, it really is rooted in racism. People of color don't have the space to just ‘take breaks'. And another thing…." Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson wrote in her 400-page dissent. "This is a dark day for every American woman…whatever that is."
Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez criticized the decision, calling it a major win for the patriarchy and a blow to self-centered, overreactive girlfriends everywhere.
"Say her name: Rachel Greene."
Justice Amy Coney Barrett joined the dissent and wrote she voted "no" on the grounds that Ross and Rachel had slept together but weren't married.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
