HELSINKI — A young Finnish child was suddenly imbued with the incredible powers of advanced age and dementia Thursday after being bitten by a stray American president. Her DNA forever changed; the adorable one-year-old has since transformed into Old Baby, a defender of children everywhere.

"Old Baby's powers are beyond that of mere mortals," wrote Oliver Laine, a spunky news reporter for Helsinki Times. "Her forgetfulness and incontinence know no bounds!"

Old Baby's abilities are said to be on par with that of the president who infected her, but since he's as feeble as a baby she hasn't changed too much. "She still poops her pants one leg at a time just like the President does," said Old Baby's mother. "I guess she watches more Matlock. So that's one change."

"Nexnelsrent away!" said Old Baby as she took off in an old man run. "Truinderdashdubbadapresher, evildoers!"

President Joe Biden has reportedly apologized for transferring his powers by biting the young baby. "I regret it, folks," he said solemnly. "Looks like I just created the only hero that can stand up to me. Not a joke!"

At publishing time, Old Baby had been seen on TV sniffing kids while calling for more troops to Ukraine.

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