BUENA PARK, CA — According to sources, a local youth pastor and his wife were seen diligently searching through the Old Testament to find the weirdest possible baby name.
Unsatisfied with the standard biblical names used by so many other couples, Luis and Madison Garcia resolved to comb through the scriptures on a quest to find the most obscure and unusual name for their soon-to-be-born daughter.
"Why name our baby girl something common and boring?" Luis asked. "She's going to be one of a kind, the most special little girl in the world, so she deserves a name as unique as she is. Now, what do we have here? ‘Abishag?' It has a nice ring to it. What about ‘Zilpah?' You can't go wrong with a good ‘Z' name, can you? Man, any of these names would be great!"
Luis's wife agreed. "I really want our baby's name to stand out," she explained. "Why give her a beautiful, traditional name like ‘Esther,' ‘Ruth,' ‘Eve,' or ‘Miriam' when we can go with something more memorable like ‘Rizpah' or ‘Eglah?' Oh, wow, how about ‘Maachah?' It means depression!"
Despite the best efforts of those close to the couple, it appeared that the baby would be unable to escape being given a bizarre Old Testament name.
At publishing time, Luis and Madison had proudly announced to friends and family that they had made their decision and would be naming their daughter "Maher-shalal-hash-baz" after the child of the prophet Isaiah.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
