WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite rampant skepticism among the voting public as November approached, the party cheating in the primary election solemnly promised that it would definitely not be cheating in the general election.
A group of the nation's most prominent Democrats held a press conference to allay the fears of American citizens that the fact that they had just successfully undermined the democratic process to replace Joe Biden with Kamala Harris on the presidential ticket might be an indication that they would pull similar unethical shenanigans in November's general election against Donald Trump.
"Don't be ridiculous," said Nancy Pelosi when asked if Democrats would cheat in November. "All the shady business we just did to get rid of Joe should not be seen as any sign that we would ever do anything unscrupulous in the upcoming presidential election. To be fully transparent, the fact that there are still unanswered questions about suspicious things that happened in 2020 and 2022 should not at all be used as evidence that we would do any suspicious things in 2024. Any suggestion to the contrary is a threat to democracy."
Other leading Democrats concurred. "We are so tired of having to defend ourselves against these spurious allegations," Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said. "Did we circumvent the democratic process to dump Joe Biden and install Kamala Harris as the nominee? Yes. Are we notorious for bending, breaking, and flouting state and federal laws to get the election outcomes we want? Yes. Is that any indication that we will cheat in this year's general election? Obviously not. If you imply that it is, you'll be brought up on charges."
At publishing time, Democrats said any burst water pipes at polling locations, broken voting machines, or other events would be entirely coincidental.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
