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U.S. - A concerning new study has revealed that kids raised in church youth groups are leaving the Christian faith at alarming rates, regardless of how much free Mountain Dew and pizza the church ministry feeds them in high school.

"I don't know what else to do," said local youth pastor Kaylen Zedwink, known affectionately as "Z-man" by his youth group. "I've consumed nothing but pizza and Mountain Dew for the last 12 years. My cholesterol is approaching lethal levels now. My body is covered in welts from being constantly shot with paintballs. I spend $1200 per month on cool clothes. I study the Bible for hours and hours and try to translate it into something these kids can understand. And then they go to college and drop their Christianity like a hot potato. Somebody help me!"

According to sources, young Christians across the country are starving for deeper, more robust teaching of the gospel. 

"Give us the solid food," said Dresdin Breeze, a high schooler in Zedwink's youth group. "We can handle some deep, difficult study. We need that stuff. Bring it on!"

"But don't forget the pizza and Mountain Dew, we definitely need that too," he said. 

NOT SATIRE: Rooted Ministry is led by a group of practicing youth ministers and parents of teenagers, and we work to advance gospel-centered youth ministry both at church and at home through our blog, conferences, podcasts, and regional gatherings. You can also learn more at Rooted Reservoir, a new online youth ministry training and youth Bible study curriculum platform designed to help church leaders disciple students with gospel-centered youth ministry. Join by Nov. 30, 2020 for a $20 discount using the code BABYLONBEE