MINNEAPOLIS, MN—With hands held high in reckless abandon, local worshiper John Parsons reportedly made a joyful and absolutely horrifying noise to the Lord at Sunday’s worship service, nearby churchgoers confirmed.
Attempting to sing along with the worship song, Parsons was clearly filled with the joy of the Lord as he screeched out a seemingly random series of notes completely unrelated to the song the rest of the church was singing.
“It was joyful alright, but it also wasn’t really in any musical key known to man,” a woman sitting three rows back told reporters. “I have tried to forget the unholy series of squawks and squeals I heard that day, but they still haunt my dreams and stalk my every waking thought.”
“I do not know that I will ever be the same again,” she added, shuddering as she stared off into some unseen void.
The church reportedly called counselors onsite after the service to help other church members cope with the equal parts joyful and terrifying sounds emanating from the man.
“We encourage all congregants to make a joyful noise to the Lord, but that noise is not always pretty,” the pastor said in a press conference. “We are here to comfort and mourn with those affected by Parson’s musical reign of terror.”
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