ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Planning for the President's much-anticipated faceoff with Donald Trump began in earnest this week, as a group of the world's top scientists convened in a secret lab to develop the perfect drug cocktail for Joe Biden to make it through a one-hour debate.
The lab, reportedly located deep underground beneath an unsuspecting industrial laundromat, was tasked with concocting a substance that would be strong enough to help the president maintain some semblance of alertness and cognitive focus for his debate with Trump.
"We've got our brightest minds working on this," said one inside source who asked to remain anonymous. "Keeping Biden coherent and intelligible for an entire hour seems like an impossible task, but we have no choice but to come up with some pharmaceutical combination that will give him a fighting chance."
Thus far, the team of leading scientists and chemists have tested a number of drug cocktails on President Biden, with varying results. "There have been a few promising ones, but nothing completely effective," the source disclosed. "They usually start off well but wear off too quickly. Our last attempt kept him alert for 20 minutes before he started trying to eat the podium microphone. We'll keep trying."
Administration insiders admitted that it may be difficult to keep Biden in good condition for the debate without making it obvious that he was pumped full of highly illegal chemical compounds.
At publishing time, the Trump team had reportedly begun work on a list of great nicknames for Joe Biden.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
