WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a completely innocuous and in no way concerning recent update, the FBI Training Facility for Firearms and Small Weaponry has replaced all of its paper targets with copies of the Constitution of the United States.
According to anonymous sources within the FBI, the move was instituted in an attempt "to help agents in training practice shooting against the opponent they will most likely engage against in the field."
"We just want our agents to receive training that will help develop them for future combat," said FBI Director Christopher Wray as an FBI team practiced shooting down various copies of the Constitution with a sniper rifle, minigun, and bazooka on the range right behind him. "No, no, of course, there's no reason to worry! Do we look like we would ever abuse our power or be in any way corrupt? Get out of town, my man! We're just looking to produce top-notch shooters who could violate the Constitution with a 9mm at any range from five to forty-five meters!"
While several Republican lawmakers and nearly 100% of US citizens who have found out about the training change have expressed concern about the new targets, the FBI has assured everyone that "it's actually okay, since the CIA has been doing this same thing for years."
At publishing time, the FBI had also added silhouettes of Donald Trump as targets on their live-fire range.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
