GAZA — Sources close to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez say that the former American congresswoman has joined the Palestinian Islamic political and military organization commonly known as Hamas.
In a statement released to the press, AOC said that she was joining Hamas due to the fact that she sees eye-to-eye with the group, "especially on issues of prime importance, like expanding the Palestinian state and wiping out Israel."
"Dear Diary," reads the publicly released part of AOC's statement. "I have decided to join Hamas today because they also hate the nation that claims to be Israel. While I am sad to leave my friends in the squad, I do think I can do more for the cause by moving to Gaza to help fight against the oppressive Jew dogs. To-Do: Buy a burkha, one of those extra-deadly bump stocks, and a 40-round assault rifle magazine clip. Oh, and a cute Palestinian flag scarf. I bet they'll all want to date me over there, just like here."
While AOC did not leave all her friends an address to send letters, Democrat congresswomen and "Squad" members Cori Bush and Rashida Tlaib say they have heard Ocasio-Cortez is doing well. According to complaints from the region, a short recruit has been following various Hamas operatives around and asking them "irritatingly simple questions" such as, "What part of the gun do I hold to kill the genocidal Israeli oppressors?" and "Wait…you guys seriously don't like BBQ pulled-pork sandwiches?"
At publishing time, Ilhan Omar had dropped hints that she might like to go join AOC in fighting the Jews too, but only if her brother could come along as well.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
