Politics
'Workers Of The World, Unite!' Says Man Who Has Never Worked A Day In His Life

PORTLAND, OR—Local man Rayne Skye Meadows is constantly reciting Communist mantras like "Workers of the world, unite!" though he himself is not a worker, never has been, and currently has no plans to be one, ever.

"Workers of the world, rise up, and seize the means of production!" said the man who has never had a job. "I mean, not me. Other workers. I'm between work right now. But all you other workers, unite and rise up and stuff so I can continue not to be a worker."

Though essentially permanently unemployed, Meadows rises up early each day to log in to Twitter, Reddit, and Facebook to espouse abstract economic and political theories. "If only all the people all around the world would adopt these premises about capital and class analysis, then we could have a utopia," he wistfully said to himself as he madly hammered away about the labor theory of value. Arguing online, while simulating actual productive labor that expends energy, doesn’t pay very well. Meadows’ Patreon account for his Communist video channel hasn't received a single donation. This may have to do with the fact that he's never lifted a finger to produce content, but still, he says it's unfair.

“Wage slavery is alienating us from one another as we become merely cogs in a machine,” Meadows said. He thought about making his thoughts into a video but decided that would be too much work.

When asked for comment, Meadows' mother stated, "I know he means well, but I wish he would just go get a part-time job to help with the rent or groceries or something."

At publishing time, Meadows was seen emerging from his mother’s basement to gather his folded laundry that she washed for him and some Cheetos from the kitchen that he did not pay for.

Breaking: PayPal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

There are 11 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.