PASCAGOULA, MS — As record heat swept across the southern United States in recent weeks, suburban housewives were quick to seize upon brief periods when the temperature briefly dipped just below 100 degrees to break out their voluminous amounts of fall decorations.
"It's below 100! Fall is heeeerrree!!" Maddie Johnson was heard shouting on a 99-degree afternoon as she scrambled to the basement to dig out her boxes of decor. "Bring on the pumpkins!!"
Maddie's next-door neighbor, Charity Ellis, responded to the call to action. "Go! Go! Go!" she screamed to her three children and she pointed them toward the family's garage to break out her storage bins. "Fake leaves! Gold pumpkins! Don't forget the distressed wooden plank with ‘Thankful' painted on it! Move! Move! Move!"
The women hurriedly began the arduous decorating process, sweating profusely in the excessive heat as they frantically scattered gourds, squash, and dried ears of corn all over the front porches of their homes. The activity came to a halt late in the afternoon after Charity passed out and had to be rushed to the hospital and treated for a suspected case of heat stroke. She returned in the evening to finish putting up her decor before temperatures were expected to soar above 100 degrees the following day.
At publishing time, Maddie was last seen searching the basement for her medical syringe kit so she could begin her seasonal regimen of injecting pumpkin spice directly into her veins.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
