U.S. — The general public was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief this weekend due to knowing that, with the TikTok ban, Americans were now only being spied on by the Pentagon, Google, Facebook, Apple, Samsung, their doorbells, and toasters.
The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the ban on TikTok that was poised to take effect soon, which would officially shut down the social media platform that had been widely criticized as being a tool for surveillance and data collection by the Chinese Communist Party, leaving just every other major tech corporation, government entity, and smart household device to spy on American citizens at all times.
"One spying tool down, only 78 left to go," said Derek Johnson of New Braunfels, Texas. "It's great to finally not have to worry about TikTok providing China with a continual stream of data and information from within the United States. That's going to make a huge difference. With TikTok out of the way, we just have to deal with being spied on by our own government, every other social media platform, the electronic devices we use, and probably our refrigerators."
Other citizens were relieved to know that China would now simply have to purchase secret information about Americans from the shadowy world organizations that were still collecting it through every other product, item, and aspect of people's lives. "We're all safer now without TikTok," said Thomas Kimmel of Kansas City, Missouri. "Now, the only danger comes from the people we elect and everything in our homes and pockets."
At publishing time, the U.S. government was reportedly setting its sights on suspicion of spying by smart toothbrushes.
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