SAGINAW, MI — According to sources, local wife and mother Deborah Barlowe was devastated to discover that she had somehow managed to kill her fake houseplant.
"Nooo! My Artificial Calathea Plant made of 100% plastic!" she reportedly exclaimed. "It's dead!"
The 30" fake houseplant was discovered in the living room, somehow wilted. Its once luscious green artificial leaves had turned a shade of brown and the stalk was tilted ever so slightly toward the window as if grasping for rays of sunlight that would never come.
Her husband was in disbelief over the incident. "I bought her a fake plant because she killed all the real ones," he later confessed. "I don't know how she managed to kill the fake one. I mean, it's not even alive. That's the whole point!"
Mr. Barlowe had to pull his wife away from the scene. She briefly cradled the fake houseplant in her arms, murmuring cries of lament that she had failed the plant and should've never been entrusted with such a responsibility.
"Everywhere I go, death follows me," she wailed. "I will never love another fake plant. The loss is too painful."
At publishing time, the woman had expressed plans to put this failure behind her and build an herb garden, pumpkin patch, and chicken farm this year.
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