U.S. — College Students protesting Israel announced an indefinite hunger strike on Monday, which they say will occur between the hours of 10 AM and 5 PM, with an hour for lunch at noon with only some light snacking permitted from time to time.
"We mean business!" said Princeton University student Jezebel Bashar. "It will be hard to eat absolutely nothing for part of the day followed by an after-lunch period of a few hours of not eating again, but we are committed!"
On the first day of the hunger strike, protestors appeared visibly weakened with many resorting to emergency granola bars just to be safe. The group appeared to gain more momentum and energy following their lunch break.
"We support Palestine's right to kill every Jew until there are no more Jews!" said one unidentified protestor between massive bites of a New York slice. "Look what you're making us do!"
Princeton faculty remain supportive of the protests, expressing their firm commitment to freedom of speech for anyone wishing to erase the Israeli state and all her inhabitants from the face of the world for all time. They also admit they're at least a little curious about how far students will take this.
"Can you imagine if they went a couple of hours without eating? They could become healthy," commented the head of the Environmental Health Sciences Department.
New York police, meanwhile, have opted for a different strategy — tempting students with delicious hot dogs. "Fat protestors are easier to control," admitted Chief of Police Anton Kremel. "Ooo look! I got another bite!"
At publishing time, students had canceled the 1 PM to 2 PM strike due to concerns over plummeting blood sugar levels.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
