NEW YORK, NY — With his case against Trump beginning to crumble, DA Alvin Bragg has announced several dozen new cases against the former President, and a brand-new courthouse completely dedicated to prosecuting Trump.
Sources confirmed the new 30-story facility in midtown Manhattan will house an army of lawyers dedicated to only bringing new cases against Trump around the clock, 7 days a week.
"If we're going to put Trump in jail and ruin his life because he stinks and we hate him and we want him to die and we hate him so, so, so much, we're all going to have to work together," said Bragg to a team of 300 new Harvard grads outside the steps of the newly constructed courthouse. "With all my worker bees and this beautiful new taxpayer-funded facility, I'm sure we'll nail Trump in no time. Because we hate him so, so, so, so, so very much. Get to work my minions!"
The lawyers are reportedly combing thousands of pages of business records to find any inconsistencies that might lead to a successful prosecution. "Unfortunately in America, we're not allowed to just put someone in jail because we hate them," said one lawyer. "We have to do all this annoying work first. Ugh. So annoying."
At publishing time, Bragg confirmed he may have a promising new case that is sure to end in a conviction, provided he can find enough jurors who hate Trump.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
