WACO, TX — With summer barbecue season about to heat up, a new study has found that a remarkable 100% of men cooking on a grill were just kinda moving meat around and hoping for the best.
The new findings confirmed what many experts had long suspected, meaning hundreds of millions of men wearing "grillmaster" aprons had been flying by the seats of their cargo pants all along.
"It turns out all these guys are just out there winging it," said Professor Thurston Billingsley, who led the research team. "Though men often talk a big game about knowing all there is to know about grilling meat, they are, in reality, just poking at sausages and flipping pieces of meat haphazardly without knowing the outcome whatsoever."
When reached for comment on the study results, one man came clean. "Yes… yes, it's true. God forgive me, it's true," said self-professed grilling aficionado Scotty Moon. "I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm just out there shoving meat around to different areas on the grill and hoping for the best. I can do everything exactly like I did the last time, but it never turns out the same twice in a row. Why is that? Why?!"
The study also confirmed that all men purchase as many grilling tools and accessories as possible in order to maintain the facade.
At publishing time, the research team was preparing to move on to its next study, which would determine what percentage of men had no idea how a toilet actually worked or how to fix one.
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