Everyone is on the lookout for the feds these days, but have you ever considered the possibility that you may be in bed with the FBI… literally?
The Babylon Bee has put together the following list to help you look for subtle signs that your wife may, in fact, be an undercover FBI agent:
- All the throw pillows have little cameras in them: A million pillows mean a million electronic eyes watching you.
- She says "No, it's fine, babe, go plan an insurrection with your friends": Suspicious.
- She was late getting dinner started because she was arresting a nun praying outside an abortion clinic: Likely story.
- You keep waking up to her whispering "Kidnap the governor of Michigan" in your ear: It's almost as if she's trying to get you to do something, but the question is what?
- She wanted to name your baby girl "J. Edgar": She says it was her great-grandma's name, but you're not buying it.
- She maintains that all of the artwork in the house hung itself: All the security footage of the artwork hanging is missing, too.
- She keeps taking cups of coffee out to those guys sitting in the carpet cleaning van parked on your street: Come to think of it, why have the neighbors been getting their carpets cleaned for six months?
- You caught her embroidering "FBI" lettering on the backs of all her shirts: Wait! Those aren't even her initials!
- She wears an awful lot of polo shirts and cargo pants for a woman: Don't let her know you're on to her.
If your wife falls into any of the categories listed above, you are most likely married to a fed and are under active investigation for being a domestic terrorist. Maybe you should call a lawyer.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
