WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White House has unveiled a new plan to deal with rising gas costs by installing a wacky inflatable tube man in front of every price sign across the country.
"Wow, look how much fun it is to go to the gas station now!" said Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg. "These wacky guys are going to turn frowns upside-down at pumps everywhere. Sure is hard to be depressed about canceling your family vacation when those arms are flailing in the wind!"
As gas prices continue to set records across America, the White House has been desperately brainstorming ways to not help and instead divert people's attention. "The problem is not our policies, the problem is that the media has done a terrible job communicating how great we are," said Press Secretary Karine Jeanne-Pierre. "We are doing incredible at forcing poor people to stop driving and using air conditioning, thus reducing our use of fossil fuels. But, short-sighted whiners that the poors are, they simply do not appreciate our help."
After gas surged past five dollars per gallon, the decision was made to deploy the wacky, waving, inflatable arm-flailing tube men. "No way we are letting the fact people can't afford to live steal our January 6th thunder!" said Representative Eric Swalwell, swinging his nunchucks. "Soon as we re-hash the riot we have been ramming down everyone's throats for the last 18 months, America will love us again. You'll see!"
At publishing time, Biden had come to blows with one of the inflatable tube men for failing to stay standing in the presence of the President. The tube man reportedly won the brawl handily.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
