MADISON, WI - Local man Mike Murphy arrived to the dinner table tonight with dreams of romance, but his hopes were quickly dashed after Mrs. Murphy showed up to the table already in her pajamas.
"Man, I thought tonight we would rekindle our romance - I've been doing everything I can today to ignite a spark!" said a disappointed Mr. Murphy. "I put my dirty clothes hamper-adjacent, ran water over a few dishes, and even answered the phone when her mom called!"
Mike began to ponder how she could be so tired and uninterested in his advances. Could it be because she spent the entire day taking care of their three children while he golfed? Perhaps it was his rant about 'who stole the car keys' before discovering them in his golf pants. Or, he wondered, maybe the baby was up a lot last night and he just snored his way through it again.
Mr. Murphy was shaken from his thoughts by his wife's explosive slurp of Coke and impressive bite of pork chop. Her hair already in a messy bun, but still fire in her eyes, Mr. Murphy dared not ask if the baby was up last night. "Maybe it's something else completely," he thought. "Maybe my spiritual leadership has just been so on point lately that it's intimidating. Totally plausible."
At publishing time, Mrs. Murphy was unavailable for comment because she had gone to bed early and was asleep.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: