CHICAGO, IL — Authorities have been alerted as to the presence of a suspicious white van at the corner of State St. and Huron. Local sources confirmed that this 12-passenger white Ford Econoline belongs to either a dangerous kidnapper or a nice Catholic family.
"We've been following this van since it picked up a large group of kids outside St. Agnes of Bohemia School," said FBI field agent Dirk Whitley to reporters. "We're not sure if this guy is a run-of-the-mill kidnapper or a Catholic with a crap-ton of kids. Either way, he's probably extremely dangerous."
The van was confirmed to belong to a Catholic family after the van pulled up to St. Peter's Church and dropped off Peter, Paul, Luke, Thomas, Matthew, Joan, Rachel, Rebecca, Diane, Stephen, Mark, and Benedict.
At publishing time, the DOJ had mobilized FBI agents to monitor the dangerous extremists.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.