WORLD — After many heated debates over matters of theology, doctrine, and church carpet color, Lutherans have all finally agreed to split and form his or her own individual synod.
"When you think about it, this was inevitable," said Randy Hühner, President of the newly formed Get-The-Drums-Off-The-Chancel Synod. "The Great Martin Luther instilled in us a love for protest and reformation. I hope everyone will join me next Sunday in the one true Lutheran Church where there will never be rock n' roll drums allowed on the chancel, as God intended."
"It's about time this happened," said Sandy Muller, founder of the new Stop-Cutting-The-Donuts-Into-Quarters-During-The-9 o'clock-Fellowship-Hour Synod. "All God's Children must have the opportunity to enjoy good donuts and decent coffee in the morning. This is what Luther would have wanted."
Early reports indicate that over 77 million synods have now been formed across the world around the finer points of liturgical style, music, and whether or not to change the ugly mural in the narthex that Ethel Barnes painted in 1952 and no one really likes.
At publishing time, the ELCA had opted to remain intact as they aren't quite real Lutherans anymore anyway.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
